Ode to Exes

For me, having exes is a very odd concept. When I’m in a relationship, I’m someone who is all in it. I used to be the type of person that got into a relationship with the intent on the end result being marriage. If I didn’t like, or love, that person that much, what was the point in being with them?

My first serious relationship was when I first got to college. It was like a fairy tale and it was exactly what a girl wants her first boyfriend to be like. He was extremely caring and warm. He would walk me home to my dorm every night, give me a kiss, and disappear into the campus darkness. It always left me in anticipation of when I would see him next.

As a year and a half flew by it was evident that problems were beginning to arise. I knew that I was going to graduate and move out of La Crosse in a few years in search of a rewarding career, but he, being born and raised there, had no intention of leaving. He also did things I could never understand. For example, when his best friend would do something that I would consider a friendship deal breaker, he could shrug and move on, stating that they had been friends for too long to let something like that affect them. More than once I pondered aloud how the longevity of a friendship could determine the purpose and sincerity of it.

Soon after, I left to work my dream job (which had many bumps on it’s own that I could write a whole book about), which involved traveling the continent for about 2 months. As you can probably guess, when I came back to his arms, there was another girl in them.

This left me devastated (as I’ve heard most first-love endings seem to do). There were times when I was literally a ball on the floor, sobbing. Not my proudest moments, as you can imagine, but I’m still here today.  Lesson learned: do not be with someone who isn’t willing to work to be with you.

I also have a bad habit of getting sucked into believing what I’m told. Sounds innocent enough, right? You’re thinking, “Christine, people are generally honest; stop complaining.” I’ve learned that at the time, they think they’re being truthful, but they really aren’t. I’ve been told things such as, “That’s when I knew you were the girl I am going to marry.” Yet here I am without a single ring on any finger. Phrases like these haunt me. Unbeknownst to the now, freshly taken ex that told me this less than a year ago, I believed those statements with all of my heart and always held on to a shred of hope that I hadn’t been forgotten.

Yet here I sit, at a table with one chair, in an apartment with one bottle of shampoo.

I reiterate: the idea of exes is a baffling one to me. How can two people go from sharing intimate thoughts and details of their lives, hopes, and dreams to acting like complete strangers? Although I have now been replaced more than 3 times, I still feel the loss of that connection.

Tonight, I raise my glass to those I’ve loved. Although we’ve had some good times, I am thankful that I never again have to pretend that you’re a great musician, or that you talking about your ex all the time didn’t bother me, or that I felt fine after a weekend-long exposure to secondhand smoke. It took me some time to realize, friends, but things like distance and money don’t really matter. What really keeps two people together is effort. No serious relationship is going to always be easy. Hopefully someday I’ll find someone that is as willing to give as I am. If not, there’s an entire population of feline friends that will appreciate my warmth. And food. 

Gros bisous, 

Christine