Never Do Nothing

From the moment we take our first breath, expectations are drilled into us. What well-studied parent doesn’t know when all of baby’s firsts are suppose to occur? Now, before I step up on my soapbox, please understand that I don’t think that these expectations always have negative results.  As I allude to later, I wouldn’t be who I am today without them. But I think there is a time when society should learn to be more tolerant. This occurs when there is too much pressure.

For as long as I can remember, I have had an insatiable need to reach the top. In classes, this meant getting the top grades. In music, I ended up the section leader of every ensemble and drum major of our marching band. At home, it meant doing all I could to be my parents’ favorite.

As I got older, the top was not as easily reached. Math was not my strong suit and my grades began to slip. However, unfortunately, that wasn’t the only subject that suffered. The more I felt that I couldn’t live up, the more pressure I seemed to feel. It was like a giant pillow pushing down on me. It was slowly suffocating my good will.

UW-Madison had been my dream school. I was reminded constantly about the familial connections and the prestige the school held. I casually explored other schools but knew where I was supposed to go. When the time came, I applied…and was wait-listed. This was the first major domino to fall. Maybe I couldn’t be the person that was expected of me.

In college at UW-La Crosse, I learned more than I could ever have hoped to. Within it’s boundaries, I first loved, lost, drank, failed, and truly succeeded. And it’s here I learned to not just accept, but to question.

The older we get, the more life changing our pressures seem to become. Say this, wear that, meet man, graduate then, career immediately, marry him, buy a house, have kids, be happy, repeat cycle. Everyday, I see people who seem to get stuck in this way of thinking. Believe me, if it worked out this way, I would be happy. But everyday, I question how much of this structure I really need. My ultimate goal in life is to feel successful by my terms (which could probably be a whole separate blog post).

Today, a few months after the reunion of my college graduation, I have a career that took me too long to get. I don’t have a husband, or even a boyfriend. I still have to rely on spellcheck. Some days it takes me 4 cups of coffee to be productive. And I still don’t know when the least common denominator will come in handy.

But I think I’m doing okay.

I have some savings. I have all of my fingers and toes. I have 40 cats down the street that are always ready to be petted and fed. I’m independent. I have loving friends and family. And I have ambition which pressures me to succeed, but on my terms. For the first time in my life, I feel like my head is clear and that I’m truly making strides towards being who I want to be. It isn’t perfect by any means; I love it nonetheless.

One of my teachers in high school told me something I live by: “Never do nothing. As soon as you stop doing something, you stop making progress.”

With acceptance and love, 

Christine 

New Job Jitters

I am already into the 3^rd week of my new position and I love it! It’s challenging, rewarding, enjoyable, and so much more. What’s odd is that this is the second time that I came in after another employee didn’t work out. I feel this adds an extra amount of pressure to me. I can’t help but wonder if my performance is being judged on a different scale because of the negative previous employees and experiences.  It is, however, such a relief to finally feel like my skills are being put to good use.

I also just moved into my apartment (I had been living with my aunt and uncle, who I am forever grateful towards, until it was ready). It’s the first time I’ve lived alone and so far I have mixed feelings. As an extrovert, it has been hard because I get extremely lonely. However, I also love it. It’s nice to do what I want to do when I want to do it without having to worry about anyone else. Through no fault of anyone except myself, I always worry if other people are having a good time or in a good mood or just in general how they are. It’s relaxing to have myself to focus on.

I feel like I have a unique opportunity to step back and evaluate where I am in my life. What makes me happy? What doesn’t? Who does and doesn’t? How can I improve myself? Where do I want to go in life? Etc. It’s been very daunting but very eye opening, and this is only my 3^rd night sleeping in an empty place. I do, however, miss my parents (and cats) very much. It’s weird to speak so little throughout the day.

The loneliness comes and goes but I’m hoping it will get better as I get more involved with things (and after I get internet…J). I’m hoping some friends will start emerging so I don’t turn into a hermit. Not that hermits are bad, I’ve just learned that I am overall happier with more human interaction.

I am very excited to get more involved! Please reach out. I would genuinely love to hear from you.

Much love,

Christine

Ode to Exes

For me, having exes is a very odd concept. When I’m in a relationship, I’m someone who is all in it. I used to be the type of person that got into a relationship with the intent on the end result being marriage. If I didn’t like, or love, that person that much, what was the point in being with them?

My first serious relationship was when I first got to college. It was like a fairy tale and it was exactly what a girl wants her first boyfriend to be like. He was extremely caring and warm. He would walk me home to my dorm every night, give me a kiss, and disappear into the campus darkness. It always left me in anticipation of when I would see him next.

As a year and a half flew by it was evident that problems were beginning to arise. I knew that I was going to graduate and move out of La Crosse in a few years in search of a rewarding career, but he, being born and raised there, had no intention of leaving. He also did things I could never understand. For example, when his best friend would do something that I would consider a friendship deal breaker, he could shrug and move on, stating that they had been friends for too long to let something like that affect them. More than once I pondered aloud how the longevity of a friendship could determine the purpose and sincerity of it.

Soon after, I left to work my dream job (which had many bumps on it’s own that I could write a whole book about), which involved traveling the continent for about 2 months. As you can probably guess, when I came back to his arms, there was another girl in them.

This left me devastated (as I’ve heard most first-love endings seem to do). There were times when I was literally a ball on the floor, sobbing. Not my proudest moments, as you can imagine, but I’m still here today.  Lesson learned: do not be with someone who isn’t willing to work to be with you.

I also have a bad habit of getting sucked into believing what I’m told. Sounds innocent enough, right? You’re thinking, “Christine, people are generally honest; stop complaining.” I’ve learned that at the time, they think they’re being truthful, but they really aren’t. I’ve been told things such as, “That’s when I knew you were the girl I am going to marry.” Yet here I am without a single ring on any finger. Phrases like these haunt me. Unbeknownst to the now, freshly taken ex that told me this less than a year ago, I believed those statements with all of my heart and always held on to a shred of hope that I hadn’t been forgotten.

Yet here I sit, at a table with one chair, in an apartment with one bottle of shampoo.

I reiterate: the idea of exes is a baffling one to me. How can two people go from sharing intimate thoughts and details of their lives, hopes, and dreams to acting like complete strangers? Although I have now been replaced more than 3 times, I still feel the loss of that connection.

Tonight, I raise my glass to those I’ve loved. Although we’ve had some good times, I am thankful that I never again have to pretend that you’re a great musician, or that you talking about your ex all the time didn’t bother me, or that I felt fine after a weekend-long exposure to secondhand smoke. It took me some time to realize, friends, but things like distance and money don’t really matter. What really keeps two people together is effort. No serious relationship is going to always be easy. Hopefully someday I’ll find someone that is as willing to give as I am. If not, there’s an entire population of feline friends that will appreciate my warmth. And food. 

Gros bisous, 

Christine